5.5

Over coffee this morning, we discussed the intersection of internalized homophobia and eating disorders.

It's a conversation I've had in my head, many times, but rarely out loud.

I'm putting the rest behind a cut because I cannot fully explain my thoughts on this topic without going into past traumas.

If you don't know what internalized homophobia is, and that's totally okay, start here please. Basically, it's us gays (usually) unconsciously, believing the very same things that our homophobic 'straight' counterparts do. It's culturally conditioned and it's very real.

something spectacular

I asked about this on Tumblr and got no replies, so....I guess I'll write about it myself.

(Also - I apologize for my lengthy absence that oddly enough corresponds with B's maternity leave. But that's another story. I'm going to try to be better about blogging again.)

I just read Greta Gleissner's book Something Spectacular. Those of you who know me well know that I don't really read eating disorder memoirs unless I have a particular reason to. I've read and love Wasted because it was THE book of the 1990s/2000s and let's face it, Marya Hornbacher is a genius. Finally, someone had described our experiences with haunting accuracy.

More than a decade later, after being fortunate enough to be on several panels with Johanna Kandel I read Life Beyond your Eating Disorder. Then came Kelsey Osgood's How to Disappear Completely, which I read due to having personal connections to people in the book.

I had heard about Something Spectacular (and knew of Greta's story) but hadn't really been interested in reading it because I thought I knew what it was about. A poor professional dancer (Rockette, even) with an eating disorder who gets better so she can continue performing? Boring.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Two things about the book surprised me. Those of you who know me will find that this makes total sense.

The first, that she discussing the topic of her sexuality throughout the book. That intrigued me. I've often wondered about how our culture's heteronormativity is interwoven with a disease that for many, is a way to stave off becoming an adult. Why develop a body that wants to do something that society says is not okay? Of course, you can't discount the impact of trauma in all of this (which Greta mentions briefly toward the end). But when your earliest feelings are of being different from everyone else and not subscribing to our culture's norms (I, too, never imagined wearing a wedding dress), the amount of shame created, at least for me, was enormous. So you grow up believing that something is wrong with you...and slowly killing yourself with food is a way to numb that emptiness and pain. Yes, the world has come a long way in accepting people of all kinds, but when people default to asking you if you have a husband, it's salt in the wounds. It hurts.

The second, that she talks a lot about emotional detachment/estrangement and (lack of) feelings expressed in her family. It's also something that I heavily identify with. A supervisor of mine calls them "island families," where each person is on their own emotional island and distant from the others. Greta talks about ways that she gets love (maternal parenting) throughout her adolescence and adulthood and the messages provided. I strongly identified with her feelings toward one of her therapists; she describes not wanting to get better so she doesn't lose the relationship.

Two topics that hopefully I can write about more coherently later.

It's nice to be back.

where have i been?????

I've totally neglected this little space here...ahhhhh. It's been a very crazy several months. I believe some updates are needed...after the jump...mentions health issues, FYI.

before.

I've been seeing my current psychiatrist off and on for years and years. I absolutely respect her, her work, and how careful and thoughtful she is. She is also a psychologist (yes, she got her PhD first, worked for a while, and then went back and got her MD) and with many of her patients, conducts actual therapy sessions. For me, we've developed a relationship where she is more than just a psychopharmacologist but not a therapist, which has worked extremely well.

I know that as a therapist, I wouldn't want my writing posted on a public internet site...but I think there is so much in these old old old emails that many of you might relate to. A lot of this is about psychiatric diagnoses and limitations/purposes of diagnosing and reflect one person's opinion, but all of her explanations and rationale have been so integral to my process.

These are emails from right when I got out of eating disorder treatment (had stepped all the way down to IOP and was just doing OP). These are from quite some time ago, but as I was looking through my email for something else that she had requested, I came across all of these gems.

It's also interesting to see all of the talk about borderline - I was exhibiting many of the symptoms, but at those point, I had not told ANYONE about the multiple traumatic events in my life. Reflecting back, it is so clear that all of this with trauma related and me trying to communicate my needs.


These excepts aren't in any order -- from different times/different stages of my treatment.


This is my favorite excerpt -- more following the break:

I think my main point was that, to the extent that you can identify *your own* growth-related (i.e. not dangerous or self-sabotaging) goals, those should be what guides treatment -- I had the impression when we were talking yesterday that at least on some level that may have fallen out of the picture somewhere, that it feels to you like your goals are being dictated by others or by a particular treatment model. Perhaps you're only now getting to the point where you have enough of a "voice" that you can try to formulate your own goals and path.

well, I finally did it.

I can count the number of times I've been teary in therapy on one hand.

• When I found out that the recommendation was for me to return to residential treatment. I felt like I was letting her down. I cried and cried.
• Two sessions of termination from my first good therapist, who decided we could no longer work together due to unfortunate circumstances.
• And then...tonight. When I told B that I've always wanted her to be my mother.

[after the break, mentions of various traumas & overdose, no details]

buried treasure

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately.

[I'm adding a cut due to discussing trauma (with some specifics), weight and PTSD stuff.]

under pressure

I'm writing this, perhaps against my better judgement, but I'm annoyed.

We have a fitness instructor who come to work with our clients on a regular basis. She's lovely, and I have nothing against her...though, she's begun to get on my nerves. It's not her, though. She's merely acting like the majority of our culture around things like food and weight.

More after the jump, in which these topics are discussed. In addition, this post is full of thin privilege stuff and #firstworldproblems, so please don't continue if that is going to aggravate you. I try not to focus on these things, but exceptions happen.